Kapeesh Saraf

comes from my Industrial Management textbook’s opening notes about advertising.

” Running a business without advertising is just like winking at a beautiful girl in the dark – you know what you are doing but she does not know it.”

Well, most times, its in your best interest that the beautiful girl doesn’t know.

Hmmm.

COEP organized its maiden annual techfest, MindSpark 2007 last weekend. Yours truly was responsible of organizing the Business Plan contest. The entries were the standard fare one would expect; no new Googles or FedEx’s were unleashed upon us. However, one entry literally took my breath away. It is said that there is a tide in the affairs of men which taken at the flood, leads to fortune. This was my tide I thought, and my instant reaction was “Man! I wanna plagiarize this plan and start my own business. NOW!!”

Of course, I’m being sarcastic. What follows is the most hilarious, balls-burstingly funny business plan ever. And this too, it was later found, was plagiarized (which allayed my concerns about IP protection rights of the participant (ya, pfaw!) and led to me writing this post.)

________________________-

BUSINESS PLANNING(B-PLAN)

By-Vivek Kumar Yadav

This is the Business Plan which can be started by a farmer in the village who has 15000 rupees and some area for animal shelter.

First Stage

A small he -goat of age around 20 to 30 days costing around 750 rupees each is used. With the investment of 7500, ten he-goats can be purchased. These will be reared for five to six months. For rearing the farmer will make use of his own sources like fields as well as extra 7500 rupees. These six months for the rearing should be chosen in such a way that at the end of these six months, we have some festivals like Ild,Diwali or Holi etc.Such a time period is chosen so that they can be taken to the nearby city and sold off. If the rearing is done properly they will be sold between 5000 to 6000.

1 he-goat = 5000

10 he-goats = 50000

After six months the farmer will have fifty thousand.

Second Stage

This time the farmer will spend his fifty thousand in buying the he-goats of age around three months. This will cost him 3000 per goat.

Estimated Coast per goat = 3000

So totally he can buy 21 goats by adding 1000 rupees more. Then rearing these for two months or so then these will be sold at a price of around 5000.

Total earning after 2 months = 21*5000= 105000 Rupees.

Again regulating this process for two months.

This time number of goats = 105000/3000= 35

After 1 month these will cost =358*5000 = 175000.

Now we have 175000. We will divide this money in two parts.

1^{st part}

100000 will be utilized for rearing and regulating the process for six months.

2^{nd part}

Rest 75000 will be utilized for buying a second hand small transport vehicle which will transport the things & goats and in the free time it can be used a public transport. Money fetched by this method will be utilized for rearing of the goats.

After six months we have 1750000Rs.

Again this money will be divided into two parts

1^st part

We have 12, 00,000

This will be utilized for a dairy of 20 buffalo’s. The cost of one buffalo will be around 40000 Rs & will give milk around 8 litres every day. This makes 16 lit per day per buffalo.

The total milk bought would be 15 Rs per litres .Taking whole milk to the near by city like Kanpur .This will be sold around 18 to 20 Rs per lit.

So for 600 litres we have 12000 Rs. Thus we will have 12000 Rs per day. From this we will deduct 5000 Rs the milk which is bought from near by villages.

Therefore net earning of the day = 7000 Rs

Out of 7000 rupees we will save around y = 320 lit

320 lit per day & buying the milk from near by villages making the net quantity of milk as 600 litres.

This makes 120000 Rs per month.

2^nd part

Using 30000 we can set up a small unit for manufacturing of washing soaps & powder. The washing soap is of Rs 5 in the market which will be manufactured in the unit. In reality this 5Rs coats 50 paisa.

Firstly after manufacturing a small quantity of the above these soaps will be given to the public for free. After their satisfaction the soap will be allowed for sale.

This soap will sold in the villages in which we have provided free soaps, then spreading in to other villages.

The cost of the soap will be 2Rs & name of the soap will be the name of village in which it is being sold therefore many names.

Similar procedure for the washing powder.

Sales

In a normal village we have around 100 houses and in a district we have more 1000 villages. If we cover these 1000 villages then we would be able to sell around 30 soaps per village.

This makes 1000*30 =30000 soaps per day. These soaps will bring 60000 Rs per day out of which 15000 Rs will be required for manufacturing. Around 25 thousand will be utilized for other expenditure & we will save 20 thousand per day.

So per month we will have around 6 lakhs rupees.

3^{rd part}

Rest 250000 will be utilized for rearing and regulating the goats.

Net earning after six months

He- goats will fetch = 4375000 Rs

Dairy will fetch = 720000 Rs

Soap & washing powder will fetch = 3600000 Rs

Hence total we have 8695000 Rs

Out of this, 50 lakhs will be used for transport industry like for trucks & some small vehicles for tourist purpose.

Other 5 lakhs for rearing and regulating he – goats.

20 lakhs for setting small flour mill & oil mill. The flour will utilize the market made by soap & washing powder.

Rest money for the mechanizing the dairy and soap industry.

Now this has provided a never failing base, for further growth of any other industry. After this we set this industry to larger scales.

____________________

Ok. Stop laughing now.

Most guys, rather a lot of guys have a tendency of categorizing girls or chicks, if you will, the moment they see them.

“She’s the dating type” , “She’s the one-night-stand type”, “She’s marriage material” and various other somewhat crude and unrefined categories and adjectives depending upon how hot/pretty/plain-jane the girl is, how much within or out of his range the guy thinks she is and most importantly, how well he knows her.

I have often been amused at such categorization and ( I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit) occassionaly indulged in it.

There is also some subconscious economic rationale behind this categorization.

A spectacularly beautiful (sic) 25 year old girl posts a question on Craigslist seeking to know how she should go about her objective of getting married to a guy who makes atleast half a million dollars a year. She goes on to wonder why much plainer looking women are married to really wealthy guys.

The question itself is hilarious, but the answer is totally ROTFL stuff. An excerpt.. “in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset.”

The funniest thing I’ve read all day. Read the complete thing here.

"When I find myself in times of trouble,

The Pune Times comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom,

Read page three.

And in my hour of darkness

It is standing right in front of me,
Speaking words of wisdom,

Read page three.

Read page 3, Read page 3, Read page 3, Read page three.

Whisper words of wisdom, Read page 3.

And when I’m feeling dumb and the light of knowledge I want to see,

Pune Times has an answer,

Read page three.

.
Read page three, Read page three, Read page three….

And when the mind is cloudy, there is still a power that clears it for me,
Knowledge is power, Read page three.

I wake up to the sound of music, Pune Times comes to me,

Speaking words of wisdom, Read page three."

- The Teenage Mutant Puneri Beatles

a.k.a. Ze khat-mals

As children, there are some things that we develop an immediate fascination for and that fascination continues long into our adult life, sometimes causing us great embarrassment and bringing ridicule our way, causing people to condescend upon us.

My love affair with the Pune Times has been one such thing. There are those who look down upon the Pune Times, but for me, it has been an anchor through the turbulence of my teenage years, provided me with an infinite wealth of knowledge and, in general, has been a very enriching experience.

I am most grateful to the Pune Times for the tremendous amount of information about Pune city that I have received through it. I guess my life in this city would have charted a very different course were it not for the guidance provided by the Pune Times.

So, as a belated tribute on their ninth anniversary, I have put together a list of some of the gems, pearls, etc that stand out in my memory. What would I have done without all that knowledge.

So here goes-

1. Callista Flockhart wants a boob job.
2. Nicole Ritchie wants a nose job
3. Paris Hilton wanted a boob job (when she was 14.) Then she grew out of it.
4. Pamela Anderson GOT a boob job. <okay, so you knew that anyways, but I read it here na.>
5. Priyanka Chopra does not want one. She thinks she’s endowed well enough.
6. < Innocent doubt- How much is enough??>
7. Emraan Hasmi is proud to be a male.
8. Aishwarya Rai is a Manglik. <Though her mother denies this. Matter currently under investigation. Results to be flashed soon across all national networks.>
9. Actor Shabbir Ahluwalia hurt his toe while shooting for Kahi to Hoga. It has become blue.
10. Perizaad Zorabian has a sweet tooth.
11. Karan Johar is gay. < okay, my powers of deduction at work there.>
12. Vivek Oberoi is single and happy.
13. Amrita Singh is single and happy.
14. Ritiesh Deshmukh is single and happy.
15. Priyanka Chopra is also single. She says she’s bad at attracting men. According to her, it is an inborn ability(attracting men). You either have it or you don’t. She hasn’t been able to develop it till now. Otherwise, she says, she would have had ten men all around her (sic).
16. Jessica Alba took Ashmit Patel’s breath away. <mine too.>
17. Celina Jaitley is miffed.
18. “I want to have lots of dogs and kids.” – Vidya something. < I’m speechless>
19. Jordan likes to sew trousers for her husband and kids. < I wonder what Lebanon, Syria and Egypt like to do for their kids>
20. Denise Richards was spotted getting cozy with Richie Sambora.
21. Brad Pitt spotted getting cozy with Angelina Jolie.
22. Ashmit Patel spotted getting co-jee with Riya Sen.
23. Kareena Kapoor spotted ( and filmed) getting co-jee (and more) with Shahid Kapoor
24. < mera number kab aayega??>
25. Carmen Electra is learning acrobatics to spice up her sex life with hubby Dave Navarro. <throw in a few monkeys and jungle props and it could become a wild, wetty experience indeed.>
26. Fardeen Khan shares a very open relationship with his father, Baldy. They can discuss anything.
27. Yuvraj Singh can also discuss anything with his mother. He also means anything.
28. Raima Sen also discusses anything with her mother, She also really means A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
30. Konkana Sen Sharma also realllyy means it when she says that she can discuss annny-thing with her mother.

< for 4 years, I have wondered as to what this anything really was. I mean, I don’t really think my parents spoke to me about this anything. Sure, they sat me down and tried to give me that long talk, about 5 years too late. But never anything. I’ve decided that this anything actually includes everything from the meatballs of the <a href="http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Fsm">flying spaghetti monster</a> to the mating habits of the Mexican moneyplant.>

1. Paris Hilton says Britney Spears’ dog is ugly. Spears’ says Hilton’s dog is a bitch. The two women meet at a party and have a catfight in wet mud. A paparazzo films the episode and puts it for sale on the internet. Hilton sues but then changes her mind and signs a deal for 20% royalty on profits. She also signs a 10 year contract for videos of all catfights, etc (kids might be reading this, but you get the drift…). Spears gets drunk to sink her depression. Paparazzo approaches her to try and strike a deal similar to Hilton’s. Instead Britney marries him, then pays him a million dollars for a divorce. She also signs a 15 yr contract for mudfights, etc.
2. Paparazzo purchases the African republic of Burkina Faso and retires to a palatial mansion in Ouagadougou.

And now, moving to a section that has proved to be of immense benefit to all of Pune’s youth. I am talking about the “Dating and Love Tips” section. It is a scientifically proven fact that regular reading of this page ( a whole page with no adverts, once a weak) does wonders for one’s dating and social life. Some of the stuff that I or some of my buddies have found extremely beneficial and insightful follows-

(as may be expected, most of these are directed at the males of the species)

1. Always remember your date’s name. Forgetting her name might be bad for your relationship.
2. Try to say something pleasant and nice. Avoid the temptation to say things like- I feel sick. I am going to puke all over you.
3. Look into her eyes. At any rate, avoid staring at her breasts. <ok, I concede, guys really need to understand this>
4. Compliment her. For example-your hair looks really good. It reminds me of the springs in my bike’s shock absorbers. Or

Hey, nice moustache.

34.dashing for the exit without paying might come in the way of subsequent dates.

35.Excessive burping, random bodily noises and continuously blowing your own backdoor trumpet (farting) might turn her off.

36. Ditto if you smell like you’ve spent all day wrestling in the mud with a pig.

37. Women prefer kissing a guy who does not have beer breath. < No wonder>

And if that’s not enough, here’s a few tips on how to become her hero (sic)

38. Save an animal from a tree
Shove an animal up a tree. It doesn't matter what kind of animal, as long as it will look frightened and remain in that tree for long enough for her to witness you saving it. Little kittens are ideal.

39. Women rate firemen as sexy. Save yourself the risk of property damage and be an amateur arsonist at her place. Tinker with some detergents and ensure that the oven is carelessly left on — make sure to engineer the disaster so that the flames will spread to the curtains.

40. Deliver a baby
This one will be damn near impossible, but if you can pull it off you'll be remembered forever by your adoring date. Hang around your pregnant friends and relatives and be ready for when nature takes its course.

And among other news….

41.Paris Hilton sleeps with XYZ.

42. Paris Hilton sleeps with XZW.

43. Paris Hilton sleeps with WXYZ.

44. Paris Hilton sleeps with WXYZA.

45. and so on….

46. Paparazzo buys 50 million acre crater on the moon. Also manages to get Pluto renamed as the Hilton Intergalactic- Living on the edge.

47. Tabu thinks the Big B is the sexiest.

48. Kareena Kapoor also thinks the Big B is the sexiest.

49. Esha Deol thinks the Big B is the sexiest.

50. Priyanka Chopra also thinks the Big B is the sexiest.

51. Celina Jaitley also thinks the Big B is the sexiest.

52. Karan Johar thinks the Big B is the sexiest.

53. 25 other big and 26 small alphabets are having a protest march cum hunger strike demanding reservations in sexiness polls.

Among other international news….

54. Spanish is very commonly spoken by Pune’s “young population”. It is quite a rage among students and is frequently overheard in colleges, kattas,etc.

55. There are over 20,000 bloggers in Pune. <whoa!>

56. Nowadays, most college kids usually have 2-3 girlfriends or boyfriends at a time. They don’t even mind their partner having other partners.

< and I have trouble finding one…>

And one of my favourites….

57. If you thought that they don’t have good writers at the Pune Times, think again. The outsourcing boom has changed it all. An article about Amitabh Bachchan, at the time when he was ill for some intestinal ailment read-

“ (…some crap about his illness, what he had for lunch, how many ml. of urine he passed, etc…)

next para..

Amitabh Bachchan is a very popular actor in India. He has been the most popular actor in the country for almost 30 years now. His hard hitting roles have earned him the sobriquet of “ Angry Young Man”. Even at the age of 60, he continues to be the most popular and in-demand actor in Bollywood. The whole country has come together to wish him a speedy recovery.

(reuters)

Yes! A news item about AB’s illness sourced (flicked) from Reuters.

<heck, atleast they didn’t call him a Hero.>

 

These are the ones, my dear friends that I can readily think of. I’m sure there are hundreds of amazing news-items that I have missed out upon. I sincerely apologize for that. Maybe you could fill me up on that.

The Pune Times turned NINE this week, dear friends. NINE. As they also pointed out rightly, nine is a very special number.

"Nine is a special number. Even the computer can decode numbers between 0 and 9. Emperor Akbar also had Navratnas to adorn his sabha."

<Nine is also the square of 3 . The square root of 81 and the 4th root of…(sorry, I'm a little weak at mathematics.)>

Sadly, I have observed that the quality of the content has been declining steadily over the years. As also the quantity. From 8-12 pages a few years back, the Pune Times has been trimmed to just 4-6 pages these days. It is also obvious that some of the extremely talented writers(?) of yore have given way to fresh talent, not yet completely conversant with the intricacies and the finer aspects of page-3-knowledge-is-power-journalism. I fervently hope that the young stock of reporters quickly finds its bearings and the Pune Times may once again regain its former glory and prestige with full 12-16 page editions, empowering us with the complete dope about the colour of Saif Ali Khan’s underwear, what Kishen Mulchandani had for breakfast the day before, whom Paris Hilton was spotted with, the latest person who finds the Big B sexy and other matters of great pith and moment.

My Dearest PT,

I have only the following words to offer to you….

 

"Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.Shine on you crazy diamond.Now theres a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom, blown on the
Steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger, you legend,
You martyr, and shine!"

-Pink Floyd.

(with sincere apologies to The Beatles, and the great Pink Floyd. I also find that this "tribute" hasn't turned out to be as fitting as I had wanted it to be. But the fact that I actually do NOT read the PT all that much proved to be a great impediment in the end. However, as the popular lines go, Bhaavnaon ko samjho…)

I am a man who walks alone
And when I’m walking a dark road
At night or strolling through the park

When the light begins to change
I sometimes feel a little strange
A little anxious when it’s ‘bout dogs.

Fear of the dog, fear of the dog
I have a constant fear that a dog’s always near.
Fear of the dog, fear of the dog
I have a phobia that a dog’s always there.

(those wondering where these corny lines came from perhaps need to acquaint themselves with
Iron Maiden’s brilliant masterpiece.)

Ever since I can remember, I’ve suffered from a great dislike of dogs. Now, I think dogs are pretty decent chaps most of the times since all the talk about dogs being a man’s (or woman’s) best friend obviously cannot be a load of drivel. It’s certainly not the look of dogs that I find particularly repugnant or nauseating, rather I might, on the rare occasion when I’ve donned the rose-tinted glasses or have generally lost it ( as I am wont to do), go to the extreme of finding a dog cute.

But my attitude of indifference towards dogs is, unfortunately, not met with reciprocation from the canine species. My earliest memories of an encounter with a dog comprise of a ghastly vision of a monstrous Doberman-pinscher chasing me with the vigour that he would a female of the canine species at the height of the mating season on a day it was feeling particularly ….ahem.

I have often been complimented that my face and demeanor bear a striking resemblance to a piece of dog’s turds, but I was convinced then, as I am convinced now, that dogs and their poop have little similarity by way of appearance and if people’s heartfelt compliments were anything to go by, then the innocent little kid in ravaged chaddis looked nothing like what a particularly aroused (or even otherwise) dog would espouse such interest in.

The aforementioned chase thankfully ended with the intervention of the ghastly creature’s owner and without much too much harm to myself but it formed in my mind two beliefs that I have held with the strongest conviction ever since.
Belief A- dogs aren’t particularly fond of their turds walking all over the place. Hence, they aren’t particularly fond of me.
Belief B- At the root of all the trouble, conflict, pain and evil in the world, lies a woman.

Of belief B, enough has been said already by a whole lot of wise men, so inspite of my having plenty to add to what has already been said, I’ll talk a little about Belief A.

The incident I just mentioned was just one of many such chases that I have had the fortune of being part of right through my childhood and even early teens.
It wouldn’t be too hard for you to guess then that I prefer to keep a safe distance from our canine brethren and the woof of a dog isn’t exactly the sweetest sound that could possibly fall upon my ears. Rather, every time a dog barks I have a feeling like I’m being told-

“Watch it, ugly kid. I don’t like you. And if you don’t behave, I’m gonna chew your ass off.”

A continued and prolonged barking generally means-
“ You know what? I really don’t like you. And no matter whether you behave yourself or not, I still plan to chew off your arse. And more.”

There you have it then, the mere mention, sight or sound of a dog conjures up in my mind ( obviously, I can’t conjure images up in my pancreas, can I?) of having my ass (and more) chewed off in a not-so-pleasant manner. Obviously then, I am at a loss when confronted with dogs and find myself recoiling with horror/becoming nau do gyarah/wanting to yell hysterically but at the same time trying ( rather unsuccessfully) to act cool and unruffled.

I’m sure I’m not the only guy out there who’s afraid/not too fond of dogs. But some rather (un)fortunate developments in the recent past have meant that my fear of dogs has come to occupy a rather prominent position in the conversations of my peers causing me great embarrassment and making me the butt of a few jokes.

On that note, dear reader, I must flee for I hear a rather sinister bark fast approaching.

Here's my humble attempt at the 55-word story thats been doing the rounds. I've read some brilliant ones and this doesn't even compare. Here goes…—————

His brow furrowed.
He felt eneasy.
Impressing the Board with this report would set his career soaring.
He hated to conceal it.
He wondered if he should just let it out.
“They wouldn’t enjoy hearing it. I’ll hold on”
But the strain got to him.
He could take no more.
He just let go.
Phhaaarrtt!!!