Shine on you crazy Diamond!

"When I find myself in times of trouble,

The Pune Times comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom,

Read page three.

And in my hour of darkness

It is standing right in front of me,
Speaking words of wisdom,

Read page three.

Read page 3, Read page 3, Read page 3, Read page three.

Whisper words of wisdom, Read page 3.

And when I’m feeling dumb and the light of knowledge I want to see,

Pune Times has an answer,

Read page three.

.
Read page three, Read page three, Read page three….

And when the mind is cloudy, there is still a power that clears it for me,
Knowledge is power, Read page three.

I wake up to the sound of music, Pune Times comes to me,

Speaking words of wisdom, Read page three."

- The Teenage Mutant Puneri Beatles

a.k.a. Ze khat-mals

As children, there are some things that we develop an immediate fascination for and that fascination continues long into our adult life, sometimes causing us great embarrassment and bringing ridicule our way, causing people to condescend upon us.

My love affair with the Pune Times has been one such thing. There are those who look down upon the Pune Times, but for me, it has been an anchor through the turbulence of my teenage years, provided me with an infinite wealth of knowledge and, in general, has been a very enriching experience.

I am most grateful to the Pune Times for the tremendous amount of information about Pune city that I have received through it. I guess my life in this city would have charted a very different course were it not for the guidance provided by the Pune Times.

So, as a belated tribute on their ninth anniversary, I have put together a list of some of the gems, pearls, etc that stand out in my memory. What would I have done without all that knowledge.

So here goes-

1. Callista Flockhart wants a boob job.
2. Nicole Ritchie wants a nose job
3. Paris Hilton wanted a boob job (when she was 14.) Then she grew out of it.
4. Pamela Anderson GOT a boob job. <okay, so you knew that anyways, but I read it here na.>
5. Priyanka Chopra does not want one. She thinks she’s endowed well enough.
6. < Innocent doubt- How much is enough??>
7. Emraan Hasmi is proud to be a male.
8. Aishwarya Rai is a Manglik. <Though her mother denies this. Matter currently under investigation. Results to be flashed soon across all national networks.>
9. Actor Shabbir Ahluwalia hurt his toe while shooting for Kahi to Hoga. It has become blue.
10. Perizaad Zorabian has a sweet tooth.
11. Karan Johar is gay. < okay, my powers of deduction at work there.>
12. Vivek Oberoi is single and happy.
13. Amrita Singh is single and happy.
14. Ritiesh Deshmukh is single and happy.
15. Priyanka Chopra is also single. She says she’s bad at attracting men. According to her, it is an inborn ability(attracting men). You either have it or you don’t. She hasn’t been able to develop it till now. Otherwise, she says, she would have had ten men all around her (sic).
16. Jessica Alba took Ashmit Patel’s breath away. <mine too.>
17. Celina Jaitley is miffed.
18. “I want to have lots of dogs and kids.” – Vidya something. < I’m speechless>
19. Jordan likes to sew trousers for her husband and kids. < I wonder what Lebanon, Syria and Egypt like to do for their kids>
20. Denise Richards was spotted getting cozy with Richie Sambora.
21. Brad Pitt spotted getting cozy with Angelina Jolie.
22. Ashmit Patel spotted getting co-jee with Riya Sen.
23. Kareena Kapoor spotted ( and filmed) getting co-jee (and more) with Shahid Kapoor
24. < mera number kab aayega??>
25. Carmen Electra is learning acrobatics to spice up her sex life with hubby Dave Navarro. <throw in a few monkeys and jungle props and it could become a wild, wetty experience indeed.>
26. Fardeen Khan shares a very open relationship with his father, Baldy. They can discuss anything.
27. Yuvraj Singh can also discuss anything with his mother. He also means anything.
28. Raima Sen also discusses anything with her mother, She also really means A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
30. Konkana Sen Sharma also realllyy means it when she says that she can discuss annny-thing with her mother.

< for 4 years, I have wondered as to what this anything really was. I mean, I don’t really think my parents spoke to me about this anything. Sure, they sat me down and tried to give me that long talk, about 5 years too late. But never anything. I’ve decided that this anything actually includes everything from the meatballs of the <a href="http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Fsm">flying spaghetti monster</a> to the mating habits of the Mexican moneyplant.>

1. Paris Hilton says Britney Spears’ dog is ugly. Spears’ says Hilton’s dog is a bitch. The two women meet at a party and have a catfight in wet mud. A paparazzo films the episode and puts it for sale on the internet. Hilton sues but then changes her mind and signs a deal for 20% royalty on profits. She also signs a 10 year contract for videos of all catfights, etc (kids might be reading this, but you get the drift…). Spears gets drunk to sink her depression. Paparazzo approaches her to try and strike a deal similar to Hilton’s. Instead Britney marries him, then pays him a million dollars for a divorce. She also signs a 15 yr contract for mudfights, etc.
2. Paparazzo purchases the African republic of Burkina Faso and retires to a palatial mansion in Ouagadougou.

And now, moving to a section that has proved to be of immense benefit to all of Pune’s youth. I am talking about the “Dating and Love Tips” section. It is a scientifically proven fact that regular reading of this page ( a whole page with no adverts, once a weak) does wonders for one’s dating and social life. Some of the stuff that I or some of my buddies have found extremely beneficial and insightful follows-

(as may be expected, most of these are directed at the males of the species)

1. Always remember your date’s name. Forgetting her name might be bad for your relationship.
2. Try to say something pleasant and nice. Avoid the temptation to say things like- I feel sick. I am going to puke all over you.
3. Look into her eyes. At any rate, avoid staring at her breasts. <ok, I concede, guys really need to understand this>
4. Compliment her. For example-your hair looks really good. It reminds me of the springs in my bike’s shock absorbers. Or

Hey, nice moustache.

34.dashing for the exit without paying might come in the way of subsequent dates.

35.Excessive burping, random bodily noises and continuously blowing your own backdoor trumpet (farting) might turn her off.

36. Ditto if you smell like you’ve spent all day wrestling in the mud with a pig.

37. Women prefer kissing a guy who does not have beer breath. < No wonder>

And if that’s not enough, here’s a few tips on how to become her hero (sic)

38. Save an animal from a tree
Shove an animal up a tree. It doesn't matter what kind of animal, as long as it will look frightened and remain in that tree for long enough for her to witness you saving it. Little kittens are ideal.

39. Women rate firemen as sexy. Save yourself the risk of property damage and be an amateur arsonist at her place. Tinker with some detergents and ensure that the oven is carelessly left on — make sure to engineer the disaster so that the flames will spread to the curtains.

40. Deliver a baby
This one will be damn near impossible, but if you can pull it off you'll be remembered forever by your adoring date. Hang around your pregnant friends and relatives and be ready for when nature takes its course.

And among other news….

41.Paris Hilton sleeps with XYZ.

42. Paris Hilton sleeps with XZW.

43. Paris Hilton sleeps with WXYZ.

44. Paris Hilton sleeps with WXYZA.

45. and so on….

46. Paparazzo buys 50 million acre crater on the moon. Also manages to get Pluto renamed as the Hilton Intergalactic- Living on the edge.

47. Tabu thinks the Big B is the sexiest.

48. Kareena Kapoor also thinks the Big B is the sexiest.

49. Esha Deol thinks the Big B is the sexiest.

50. Priyanka Chopra also thinks the Big B is the sexiest.

51. Celina Jaitley also thinks the Big B is the sexiest.

52. Karan Johar thinks the Big B is the sexiest.

53. 25 other big and 26 small alphabets are having a protest march cum hunger strike demanding reservations in sexiness polls.

Among other international news….

54. Spanish is very commonly spoken by Pune’s “young population”. It is quite a rage among students and is frequently overheard in colleges, kattas,etc.

55. There are over 20,000 bloggers in Pune. <whoa!>

56. Nowadays, most college kids usually have 2-3 girlfriends or boyfriends at a time. They don’t even mind their partner having other partners.

< and I have trouble finding one…>

And one of my favourites….

57. If you thought that they don’t have good writers at the Pune Times, think again. The outsourcing boom has changed it all. An article about Amitabh Bachchan, at the time when he was ill for some intestinal ailment read-

“ (…some crap about his illness, what he had for lunch, how many ml. of urine he passed, etc…)

next para..

Amitabh Bachchan is a very popular actor in India. He has been the most popular actor in the country for almost 30 years now. His hard hitting roles have earned him the sobriquet of “ Angry Young Man”. Even at the age of 60, he continues to be the most popular and in-demand actor in Bollywood. The whole country has come together to wish him a speedy recovery.

(reuters)

Yes! A news item about AB’s illness sourced (flicked) from Reuters.

<heck, atleast they didn’t call him a Hero.>

 

These are the ones, my dear friends that I can readily think of. I’m sure there are hundreds of amazing news-items that I have missed out upon. I sincerely apologize for that. Maybe you could fill me up on that.

The Pune Times turned NINE this week, dear friends. NINE. As they also pointed out rightly, nine is a very special number.

"Nine is a special number. Even the computer can decode numbers between 0 and 9. Emperor Akbar also had Navratnas to adorn his sabha."

<Nine is also the square of 3 . The square root of 81 and the 4th root of…(sorry, I'm a little weak at mathematics.)>

Sadly, I have observed that the quality of the content has been declining steadily over the years. As also the quantity. From 8-12 pages a few years back, the Pune Times has been trimmed to just 4-6 pages these days. It is also obvious that some of the extremely talented writers(?) of yore have given way to fresh talent, not yet completely conversant with the intricacies and the finer aspects of page-3-knowledge-is-power-journalism. I fervently hope that the young stock of reporters quickly finds its bearings and the Pune Times may once again regain its former glory and prestige with full 12-16 page editions, empowering us with the complete dope about the colour of Saif Ali Khan’s underwear, what Kishen Mulchandani had for breakfast the day before, whom Paris Hilton was spotted with, the latest person who finds the Big B sexy and other matters of great pith and moment.

My Dearest PT,

I have only the following words to offer to you….

 

"Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.Shine on you crazy diamond.Now theres a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom, blown on the
Steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger, you legend,
You martyr, and shine!"

-Pink Floyd.

(with sincere apologies to The Beatles, and the great Pink Floyd. I also find that this "tribute" hasn't turned out to be as fitting as I had wanted it to be. But the fact that I actually do NOT read the PT all that much proved to be a great impediment in the end. However, as the popular lines go, Bhaavnaon ko samjho…)